Tales of Badassery 1: Diamonds of time
by ScepticSceptile
Summary: Meet Diamond and Pearl, Diamond's the sensible one, Whilst Pearl is just... insane. Follow these two on their epic journey across Sinnoh, and all the scams and (hopefully) laughs that come along the Read and Review. Re-writing the earlier chapters! First story so bear with me here. Writing improves considerably later on.
1. Starting the Journey

DISCLAIMER.  
I do not own Pokemon, Or anything to do with it for that matter.  
Although that would be awesome.  
I also do not own any of the the Nintendo characters from the Pokemon games.  
Though Nintendo doesn't own the fictional personalities I have given them.  
I do not own Hot pockets or the term bad-ass.  
Although I am bad-ass and eat Hot-pockets.  
I do not know why the hell I'm writing this.

* * *

**First Chapter: Redux**

**Yeah... I didn't like the original one so... here's the new first chapter.**

Everything was finally ready, Diamond was ready to go onto his pokemon adventure. Although it almost seemed that Arceus didn't want him to go on one.

All that trouble with leaving the Purrloin at the day care while he was away, the unexpected death of the day care lady, the unexpected pregnancy of purrloin, the unexpected loss of Purrloin, and then the day care man's unexpected decision to travel the world had left diamond wondering whether this was a good idea or not.

He rounded the corner and set down towards his best friend Pearl's house.

Pearl st Clair had been Diamond's best friend since they met at the age of about one day. (their parents were good friends) and they had grown up living with the dream of going on a journey together when they were old enough.

Diamond snapped out of his day dream as he slipped down the st Clair households drive.

THUUUD!

Diamond whipped around as Pearl grappled him to the floor.

'Diamond! Don't EVER sneak up on me!'

'Pearl...' Diamond groaned as he shot him the evillest glare he could. 'You're such a bastard.'

A shrill voice came from within the house.

'ARRGGHHHH! GET IT OFF OF ME! IT'S FUCKING REVOLTING!'

The two boys sighed and walked in. From the doorway, Diamond could make out pearl's mother thoroughly beating the crap out of a bidoof with a rolling pin.

'IT'S SO BROWN- EUGH! IT LOOKS LIKE A SHIT!' She screamed again. 'ARGHHH! IT'S ON MY FUCKING LEG! DO SOMETHING!'

The two boys walked out; laughing.

'So why are we going on a pokemon adventure again?' Asked Diamond, still in turmoil over his decision.

'Erm... The chicks, the food, the red Gyarados, and the glory?'

'Right...'

They continued down the badly trodden path out of twinleaf town. Diamond took one last look back at his home town before continuing on to Sandgem town.

**Route 201**

Diamond and Pearl finally found their way to the clearing in the middle of the route. They were surrounded on all sides by grass. And by grass that meant tiny tiny little shrubs. With evil swarms of bidoof inside.

'Diamond!' Pearl hissed at his partner. 'Hot girl 10 o'clock.'

'That's... my sister you ass!'

Either way, they followed her to a lake because she was the only person on the route who might know the way to Sandgem town.

'Diamond...' Pearl whispered. 'Your sister's *cough* Bangin' *cough*

'For the love of Arceus shut up...'

'Hey! A wild Staraptor!'

Diamond whipped around suddenly to get a good look at the fearsome avian.

'There therer...' Cooed Pearl.

Staraptor didn't like being cooed.

It leapt up, before falling into a steep dive.

'Well fuck!' Announced Diamond, moments before impact.

Then everything went black.

* * *

**As I said before, I rewrote this so yeah. Gonna do the 2nd chapter next.**

**-Scepticle**


	2. Chapter: 2 Sandgem shenanigans(part 1)

Chapter 2: Sandgem shenanigans.

Diamond inched his eyes open, only to find a hideously fat nurse joy standing over him, with a ciggarette in her hand.

'Hey sweetie,' she rasped 'Chansey here found you and your friend unconsious on route 1; and brought you straight here- ya know, you shouldn't run into tall grass, it's dangerous you know... you should see your friend;he's kinda fucked up but at the moment Chansey is healing him.'

Diamond allowed his gaze to drift past Joy's stubble to see Pearl having his head repeated ly smashed into the Pokemon healing machine by a very annoyed looking chansey.

3 hours later our retarted duo strode out of the Pokemon center, and went to collect their pokemon.

'WELCOME! TO MY LABORATORY!' roared a scientist, him stomach wobbling as he spoke. 'TODAY I WILL GIVE YOU BOTH YOUR FIRST POKEMON! THIS WILL MARK A GRAND UNDERTAKING FOR YOU BOTH! Or at least that's what I would say, if I was Professor Rowan. Or a scientist...'

'Yo motherfucker!' Shouted Pearl, spit flying through the air. 'You better get us a Pokemon!'

'Okay...' Mustered the clearly unimpressed man. 'Go to the lake, I thought he was there.

_At the lake..._

'He's not even here! that gay-assed motherfucking piece of cunt-flapping- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?' Finished Pearl as he saw the professor's bag lying on the ground. 'This stuff is expensive! Pokedex, Wallet- you name it! Think how much he would pay us to have it back!'

Pearl imagined himself swimming in money, with all the hookers in sinnoh and a mansion in the resort area. Bliss. Then he realised he was drooling.

* * *

'Thank you boy!' Said professor Rowan as Diamond handed him the bag. 'How can I ever repay you? How about this, I give you a Pokemon!'

Diamond and Pearl shook their heads.

'Cash only.'

'No! I can't live with them any longer! I mean- uhh... they like you! Now scram bitches!'

And so our two heroes depart, after running back to steal the wallet and Pokedexes; to go on a journey with their newly acquired Pokemon.

* * *

**Finally re-wrote it!**


	3. Chapter 3 sansdgem shenanigans part 2

Chapter 3: Sandgem Shenanigans part 2.

**SORRY ABOUT SHORT LENGTH OF LAST CHAPTER)**

**Any speech in brackets is the Pokemon talking, our trainers don't understand it but hey.(but Pearl can!)**

**Oh, and I have nothing against Jews.**

'Dude, we have _GOT _to have a Pokemon battle!' Pearl pleaded, 'C'mon, just see if you like your Chimchar or not. I bet our Pokemon will love us!'

Reluctantly Diamond let his Chimchar out of it's Pokeball.

'(BITCH! I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING FUHRER!)'

Diamond jumped back to avoid the incoming mach punch thrown by his Chimchar, who was now chasing him around Sandgem beach; whilst calling him various anti-semetic insults. Diamond eventually managed to return it before collapsing in a foetal position.

'My... God...' he muttered, wallowing in self-pity.

'Don't worry Diamond!' said Pearl, 'Just because you have an anti-semetic Chimchar doesn't mean my Pokemon won't be badass!' With that, he released his Piplup, who looked up at pearl with cold piercing eyes before pecking him in the testicles.

'ARGHHH! SHIT! MY SUDOWODO AND JUMPLUFFS!'

Diamond took this as an excuse to laugh.

'BITCH! YOU WANNA BATTLE? ME, YOU, YOUR FUCKED UP FIRE MONKEY, AND PIPLUP!'

Diamond waited for Pearl to calm down. They were just about to have their battle when a boy, about there age with a red cap and black hair walked up to them .

'Wait, I know you...' began diamond, 'Yeah! you're that dick who used all lv.100s! RED!'

'I am NOT a dick, and i'm the very bes-'

'Why you here fucknugget?' chimed Diamond and Pearl in unison.

'I'm here because our author likes me more than you guys. He sent my here to be awesome and shit. Oh, yeah I have to battle you.'

'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?' roared pearl, or at least he tried to; but all he got was a shrill cry, 'You walk in, break the fourth wall and challenge us to a Pokemon battle? It's on dickbiscuit!'

'Cock-sucker'

'Cunt flap'

'Gay assed Johto bitch' and with that Pearl and Diamond won the argument.

At Sandgem Beach, quite a crowd had gathered to watch this little spectacle- and none of them were suprised when it erupted into a huge Pokemon battle.

'Go Pikachu!' shouted Red, our two heroes responded with their own dysfunctional starters.

'Wait,' said Pearl, 'that Pikachu... it's orange...'

'That's because it's shiny' boasted Red.

'I'm 'avin that!' within seconds Pearl was running away, pikachu (and pokeball) in hand.

'Stop! go Pidgeot! ... ... ... Pidgeot?'

'Already got it.' yelled Diamond; two fingers in the air.

**What will happen next? who knows? R&R or Diamond and Pearl will steal your pokemon.**

Red: *sniff* why is everyone so mean to me?


	4. Chapter 4 SURFIN' SANDGEM

Chapter 4: Surfin' S.A.N.D.G.E.M

**Sorry about the Beach boys reference in the title, it was what I was writing this to...**

'He's not still chasing us is he?' Diamond asked; panting.

'Couldn't be, this beach is MASSIVE!'

Then they spotted a shimmering dot in the distance, a dot which became a blob, which became a squadron of police officers on motorbikes, surrounded by a pack of Arcanine.

'Crap! he called the cops over this?' Pearl shreiked staring at his newly aqcuired pokemon- he held it infront of himself, he closed his eyes; waiting for one of the 'Jennys' to take it.

He opened his eyes a crack to see the Jennys standing to his left, tapping her foot impatiently.

Diamond, tired with Pearl's general lack of intelligence decided to take a risk,

'Uh, Officer?' The Jennys' gaze fell on Diamond.'Have you caught those two... Erm... Ninja bad-asses yet? You know, the ones who we thought we-Uh... saw going on... going on the _FERRY_ to... Err... Kan-' Diamond stuttered before erupting into a coughing fit, 'Umm, no Unova!'

'So they went to Kantoumnoounovar?' The head Jenny asked; Suddenly; interested.

'Yeah!' added the dynamic duo before running away.

'Oh my Arceus! that Pikachu is _SOOO_ cute!' Said another of Pearl's fangirls. They had been following him around since they had seen the Pikachu he borrowed from Red

'Okay BITCHES!' Pearl announced through the megaphone he had also borrowed from one of the Jennys, 'To SEE the Pikachu is 30 pokedollars! To TOUCH the Pikachu is 30,000 pokedollars! And to HAVE the Pikachu is-' Pearl listed a mind-bendingly large number.

'Sorry Pearl, how much is that enought to buy?'

'Let me think...' Pearls eyes were screwed shut under the intense concentration required to complete this Mamoswine of a task.

'Enough to buy- Kanto.' He concluded.

'Hey, boys. We found the bad-assed Ninjas.'

The two span around only to be knocked unconsious.


	5. Chapter 5 The ace of Spades

Chapter 4: **A very short filler.**

Most People have seen enough cop shows to know what a prison cell looks like, with the bare walls and the chipped basin and the like; but nothing could have prepared Diamond for the sheer _SMELL_ of the place. Honestly, It smelt terrible however; Diamond wasn't sure if the room was the thing smelling or the other inmate lying in a bunk a few meters away.

The minutes went like hours, he didn't even have Pearl for company and the fellow inmate who turned out to be called Jaqcues was just plain fucked up.

'Ring a ding ding motherfucker.' Said the Jenny as she strode in before kicking Pearl in the guts. 'We got some visitors for you.' She finished, before leading in Diamond's mother.

She walked in, took one look at Diamond and slapped him before walking out.

'Oh and by the way,' The Jenny said guiltily, twirling her hair between her fingertips, 'It turns out that team Galactic stole those pokemon; so here are yours back.'

Pearl and Diamond looked at them mischeviously before leaving.

'Wait! Wait for me!' Cried Jacques as the two left. 'You need my help to get to Oreburgh city!'

'Uhh' Diamond groaned. 'Fine, come on.'

* * *

**Yeah... I re wrote the old one... but made this one shorter lol.**

**Anyway, Read and Review!**


	6. Ch6:We built this city on Roark and roll

**Chapter 6: We built this city on Roark and roll.**

Dawn Rowan was the grand-daughter of the 'Pokemon professor' Rowan, so you'd expect her to be in a lab somewhere or getting straight As in all her subjects at the Pokemon school- but she wasn't what you'd expect at all.

In fact, at the moment she was dangling from a tree near Oreburgh city, trying to get a good reception on Pokegear, which her grandfather had had shipped from Devon co. in Hoenn.

She sighed as a message popped onto the screen reading:

_No matter how high you go, you're still many miles of open ocean away; so give up you dumb bitch. jeez, women right?_

_Regards, Devon co._

The screen cracked and shattered when Dawn lobbed it at a passing miner.

'That's for being sexist!'

Jeff had had a _terrible _day so far, Roark had stolen his girlfriend and he'd stepped in some Bidoof shit down the mines- so when a flying pokegear hit him square in the face the shit OFFICIALLY hit the fan.

'ARGGHHHH!' he yelled, running around madly before an eerie music surrounded him like a veil.

Dudududududidlidududududu...

He was released from his veil as a Primeape. thing.

[Congratulations! Your Miner evolved into Fucktard!]

Dawn sat spellbound watching the events unfold before whipping out her Pokedex.

'Pokedex, did that man just evolve?'

Meanwhile...

'Hey Diamond look! Oreburgh city! If you need cash, there's more drug dealers and hookers than any other city down those alleyways...' Pearl trailed off; drooling. Diamond slapped him 'Hey! Oh.. thanks for that. Anyways- what do you do here?'

Then the two spotted a boy hobbling over a hill, clearly exausted and wearing nowt but rags.

'Help... I *cough* escaped ' He said, his voice rattling like tin. 'We, we were taken by the *cough* uhh...' He appeared to faint for a moment before regaining his composure 'We were taken by the maharaja..'

Pearls eyes were welling up. 'Don't worry little man, we'll save you friends right Diamond?' Then he heard a flushing noise as Diamond stepped out of the portecabin.

'What I miss?'

* * *

**WOO! so many references- yes, the last bit is a reference to Indiana Jones... What I write is heavily influenced by what I am doing or listening to at the time- this is a two or 3 parter depending.**

**R&R or dawn will throw Iphones at you.**

**Now accepting OCs.**


	7. Chapter 7(Chapter 6 part 2)

**Chapter 7: we built this city on Roark and roll part 2.**

Oreburgh city's mines were it's only good feature, many of miles of mineral extraction- all connected to the Sinnoh underground. Sadly, as with all popular attractions in the Pokemon world; it was soon chock full of wild Pokemon.

Many times our two heroes (and Jaques) had to dive for cover after being chased by a flock of hungry zubat or a lone pissed of Graveler.

'I don't want to battle you!' Pearl hissed menacingly at the thousandth hiker to attempt to challenge them.

_30 seconds later._

Nurse Joy looked up from her desk and sighed, another Hiker...

The gruesome twosome continued to walk wearily into the abyss, before being challenged by the thousand-and-first Hiker.

'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUCK!'

'Go Geodude!' the Hiker cried before pulling out some lax insense. 'Woah, Geodude, this shits HEAVY right? Am I right?' Geoude nodded in agreement.

'Yo, trainers! Yeah you two...' He slurred pointing towards Diamond and Pearl. 'I'mma not gonna battle you guys no more...Ya wanna know why?'

Diamond nodded cautiously.

'Because I love you man! and I love all the children, and the double-decker buses and...' He drifted off into a drug induced sleep, whilst occasionally muttering 'Ponies...'

Upon exiting the cave, Diamond and Pearl caught a glimpse of the 'Maharaja's Palace' aka Roark's gym.

A blue haired girl appeared to be having a fierce debate with a bespectacled miner.

'DAMN! You got some body there bitch, plenty of _junk in the trunk_' He winked.

The sharp crack following the slap revertebrated around Oreburgh. Puppie Pokemon died.

Pearl couldn't stifle the giggle that he let out.

'What's that blondie?'

'What, aside from your face?'

The two dissolved into mindless argument before running into the gym, Diamond and Dawn were left outside. Jacques declared Pearl a retard and left

'Hey, I'm Dawn' She said, looking into Diamond's eyes- and noticing how his cold blue stare looked like it had seen way to much for his age.

'Diamond' He replied, shakily. 'I need to go check if Pearl is dead yet...' He said, before walking into the gym.

'BITCH? DO YOU WHO THE _FUCK_ I AM? I'M PEARL BITCH! I AM GOD, I AM THE UNDISPUTED RESIDENT BADASS OF WHEREVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE!'

'Oh god' thought Diamond and Dawn simultaneously.

* * *

**Sorry, this chapter was a bitch to get started... Anyway; as always- R&R or Roark will attempt to seduce you!**

**~Still accepting OCs**


	8. Chapter 8:the awesome-off

**Chapter 8: The awesome-off**

'High noon' grinned Diamond before slugging down a Moomoo milk. 'High noon is when Pearl's gonna get his ass kicked.'

'I'm sure he'll do okay...' Dawn countered unconvincingly. The two were sitting in a Cafe whilst Pearl was running around being a cock to everyone.

Diamond and Dawn were attempting to make a conversation while watching the minutes fly by.

'IT'S NOON BITCHES!' Pearl shouted as he jumped into the Cafe, clad only in underwear and a cape with a Glock in his left hand and a Pokeball in his right.

The Cafe went completely silent; even the Kriketots who had been making a racket before hand decided to pack it in.

'Wha- Just... What are you wearing?'

'My super hero outfit. You are now talking to captain Rainbow-cock!'

'Oh. My. Fucking. Arceus.'

_OUTSIDE_

'Ok, let's go- Pokemon battle!' cried the referee. In response Roark sent out his Cranidos, the fierce Dinosaur roaring ferociously.

'Go! Dickwad!' Pearl's Piplup burst out of it's ball before glaring at Pearl.

'(DUDE! The fuck is going on? you told me they had _**STEAMING**_ hot Prinplups here! Lying bitch! Fuck you man- fuck you...'

'Cranidos! bite his sorry ass!'

'Dickwad! Hydro-blasty cannon!'

Dickwad looked at Pearl questioningly- as if to say 'seriously bro?'

Then Cranidos brought down a fucking scary looking bite upon Dickwad; who now lay on the ground panting.'

'NO! DICKWAD! Get up! Please...'

Then, a white light surrounded Dickwad; it glowed and appeared to grow larger.

'Oh shit! Dickwad's evolving!' Cried Roark; mouth open as far as it would without snapping.

'(I'll have you know I was using bide the whole time- actually.)'

Roark didn't understand any of this, but Cranidos did.

('Oh. FUU-')

Then everything exploded.

The referee climbed from the rubble, coughing.

'The winner of this round goes to Pearl.'

The next round was an athletics competition, which of course- Pearl lost.

'Okay, the final round. The decider. You guess have to decide yourselves... I give up...'

Pearl acquired another police mega-phone and shouted his decision.

'Me, and Lord Dicklicker-' Roark shot dagger eyes at Pearl. 'Sorry, as I was saying- Me and Lietenant Faggotron are going to have... an AWESOME-off.'

They both read the rules carefully.

'K. Soooo; basically we just need to pick up as many girls as possible right?'

'Right. Excuse me, I need to change.'

20 Minutes later, Roark came out from his Gym in a skin tight leopard skin lycra one-piece, and a rubber duck.

'COME! FLOCK TO ME WOMEN!' He cried.

The multiple slaps that followed revertebrated around Oreburgh. Again.

'Ha, Amateur.' Said Pearl as he walked out of a nearby Porta-cabin, Fully re-dressed as Captain Carlo McRainbowCock. The only difference between him and his old alter-ego (capt. Rainbowcock) were the fake raybans over his eyes and ear-to-ear grin.

'Ladies... Ahem.' Several women swooned.

Dawn and Diamond stared at Pearl, wide-eyed.

'You,' Captain Carlo McRainbowCock (I'm just gonna call him super Pearl cos that takes ages to write) said, pointing at an attractive girl in the crowd which had formed. 'You, me- boom-boom. _NOW._'

'Okay' she tittered.

'You!' He said pointing at another woman. 'You, her, Me. -boom-boom. Threesome. follow me.'

He marched off, a line of attractive women following him.

Roark broke down to tears.

'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUU-'

They saw Pearl running towards them., clutching his pants.

'Diamond! My star destroyer is stuck in my landing dock!'

'What?' Diamond yelled, confused out of his tiny little mind.

'My Cobra and bear trap, My Pencil's stuck in the case'

'Speak ENGLISH!'

'MY DICK IS IN MY ZIPPER! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'

* * *

**WOO! Officially my longest chapter to date. Plan to meet some OCs in Jubilife city, so some would be appreciated.**

**As always, read and review please!**


	9. Chapter 9: Damage to public property

**Chapter 9: Damage to public property.**

**'**What do you mean you can't stick _it_ on the pokemon healy machine?' Pearl asked increduously; Looking down self-conciously.

'We're sorry sir, but we're just not payed enough to do that.' Replied the nurse with a vacant expression.

Pearl thought quickly, he wasn't a genius but he had a natural talent for scamming; then he hit gold.

'Sorry miss, would you mind holding my very rare, orange Pikachu?' He thrust a Pokeball at the nurse, careful not to let it open. Pearl grinned inwardly when he saw the look on the nurse's face.

'Thank you, I will now go to the bathroom.'

The nurse stared at the pokeball in her hand with the same longing which had enabled Pearl to make over 100,000 pokedollars back at Sandgem beach.

Surely she reasoned; it wouldn't do any harm just to stroke it a bit?

Pearl's face nearly split from holding such a huge grin. She'd taken the bait.

The nurse was very suprised to see a Piplup emerge from the pokeball. And she was even more surprised to see it charge straight at her.

Pearl moved from behind a potted plant and stood above the nurse, who was kicking furiously at Dickwad. (Pearl's Piplup)'LADY? Are you deaf? I thought you might have heard my offer.'

The nuse looked at him with a look that said- 'Anything, just get that thing away from me' Of course, she couldn't speak because one of Dickwad's flippers was wedged in her mouth.

'Fine. Dickwad, return.'

'(OH NO MOTHERFUCKER! I AM NOT GOING BACK IN THERE! I SWEAR, I WIIL FUCKING MURDER YOU ONE DAY!') Dickwad cawed as it made a bid for freedom. Before remembering it couldn't fly and falling awkwardly. '(Fine. You win this time, but one day...)'

Pearl shoved the pokeball back in his satchel.

'Hey!' Said Diamond as he walked in with Dawn right behind, Stretching the word as a friendly gesture. 'I'd been wondering where you'd been- I got this for you...' He said as he poured salt all over his friend's "wound".

Dawn laughed before looking at Diamond seriously. 'He'll be alright won't he?'

'Oh yes, he'll be fine.'

'ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS!' Pearl cried rolling around on the floor. He leapt to his feet before addressing everyone in the Pokemon center. 'You people get me some anti-septic and painkillers or I'm blowing this place sky high.' He growled, as a stick of explosives popped into his hand.

...

Looker sprinted through the city center, his brown trench-coat flying wildly in the wind. Some members of team Galactic had been spotted and it was believed that they'd just stolen a very powerful explosive, it had been there, in the sergeant police officer's hand then 'POP' and it was gone.

Looker stopped, and panted to try and control the raging stitch which he had obtained- He turned suddenly, and watched in horror as the local Pokemon center exploded in a rising ball of flame.

...

Dawn awoke, expecting either to find herself at home, in a cell or dead; and was surprised to be in stranger's house.

'Ahh, so you're finnaly awake.'

Dawn swiveled to see a tallish man standing in front of her, with a blue hat which looked, honestly, completely badass.

'Your friend's are safe, one is in hospital, and the other is in the room next to this, I'm Riley by the way.'

'KNOCK KNOCK! LET ME IN BITCH!' Came Pearl's voice from behind the door, Dawn was disappointed, she had been hoping it was Pearl in hospital.

'KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK!' Pearl sceamed as he fly kicked the door down before looking at Riley, 'Can I have your hat?'

''Pearl, do me a favor okay?'

'What?'

'Die.'

* * *

**Deal with it bitches! Riley's in this now!**

**Anyways, thanks for reading and please review!**


	10. Chapter 10: Where nothing much happens

**Chapter 10: Nothing much happens.**

'So then the cops came and I was like -oh shit! those guys need my help and stuff so I whipped out ma Pikachu and we were all like WACHOW! and then the cops were all like _oh, noooo_ and I was like HIIIIYAAA! and-Oww!' Pearl said rubbing his face, he had been explaining how he had single handedly saved everyone including Riley, with a rubber duck which he acquired off Roark until Dawn threw a book at him. 'What was that for?'

'Firstly, Riley saved us, and secondly, you spent the whole time on the way back trying to chat me up!'

Pearl brushed away her coment. 'How's Diamond Mr. Awesomehatguy?'

'It's Riley, and your friend is in Hospital but he was unconcious when I gave him in.'

The threesome (haha LOL) made slow progress through Eterna city as despite living there, Riley had almost no idea where he was going; eventually they arrived at the front of the hospital. They waded through the gift shop littered with horrible puns such as 'Get well soon, it's been an Eterna-ty since I last saw you'

Just as they turned to leave, they were stopped by a a teenage girl in a black goth-like dress. She looked at Riley.

'How come I can always count on you to be hanging around with a bunch of misfits eh?' She said in a monotone voice.

'Okay! Everyone, this is Marley. I'm teaching her to be an optimist and not be a sardonic bitch like she is now!' Riley said cheerfully before looking back at Marley. 'And Marley, his is everyone.' He started to walk away; chuckling at his own joke.

'Marley... Is Riley gay?' Dawn asked as Riley pranced away and said the occasional 'Fabulous'.

'Not gay, just special.'

...

DIamond awoke in a pale cream coloured room, with a potted plant and bed, coffee machine and privacy curtain; and, judging by the odd stain on the wall- it was probably a hospital.

He was okay with it- it was quite similar to his old room, minus the shit. Then, for the first time since he had left home he thought about his mother, he only awoke(?) from his day-dream when Professor Rowan stepped in.

He was a tall man, with a thick moustache which trembled as he spoke- his face was deeply creased and age wise, he appeared to be a few years to the wrong side of unidentifiable. Diamond noted how the moustache did indeed tremble.

'Diamond, your mother told me to give you this.' He said as he handed Diamond a spherical package.

It turned out to be an ultra ball, which made perfect sense. Diamonds dad had been quite the trainer in his day, and Diamond nearly shat himself when he saw what was engraved on the side of the ball.

_Diamond, if you are reading this, then your mother has kept her promise; please, take this POkemon it was a dear friend of mine, and the pokemon inside is a-_ Diamonds mother's handwriting covered the text, it now read...

_Diamond! you daft bastard! you're just like you're sister! Running off with those god-forsaken __things.__ you're dead to me! I never want to see you again!_

_'_This better be good...' Muttered Diamond as he released the POkemon.

A Tyrogue leapt out of the ultraball before turning on Diamond.

'Oh... shit.'

...

'Diamond! Are you okay?' Pearl asked as he burst into the room. 'Wow... this place is a wreck.'

It was, the potted plant lay smashed (the pot that is) and scorch marks covered the walls- It only took a second for Pearl to notice Diamond's Pidgeot having an intense fight with a Tyrogue.

'(Bitch! I'm like the god of bird pokemon! I've beaten practically every pokemon league single handedly!)'

'(MOTHERFUCKER! YOU WANt PAIN? I'LL SHOW YOU PAIN!' Squeeked the Judo Pokemon, cracking it's knuckles before unleashing a huge seismic toss on Pidgeot, who fell to the ground crumpled.

'(Your good... Wanna team up?)'

'(Fuck yeah.)'

Diamond, Pearl, Dawn and Riley looked at the two Pokemon, now apparently the best of friends.

'Anyway, Diamond, what's wrong with you?

'Nothing. Just third degree burns!' Chimed Riley.

'ARE YOU INSANE?' Shouted Diamond.

'I'm not insane, you lot are just boring.' He grinned.

* * *

**I know, not much happened but hell, diamond got new POkemon and I properly introduced 2 characters!**

**Please read and review.**


	11. Chapter 11: the Great Escape

**Chapter 11: The Great Escape**

Pokemon:

Diamond-

Chimchar- Punchy lv. 16

Pidgeot- Whirlwind lv.89

Tyrogue- Mac lv. 34

Pearl-

Piplup- Dickwad lv. 18

PIkachu- Pika lv.93

Dawn-

Turtwig- lv.13

Riley-

?

Marley-

?

'The way I see it boys,' grinned the Gym leader, 'Is that you haven't lived up to my expectations.'

Diamond and Pearl looked at eachother worriedly. They're fathers had taken out loans from Eterna city bank back in he day, and now they had to pay it back. All 250,000,000 of it.

'Now, listen; I want that money on my doorstep in 24 hours or I'll have your guts for garters. Understood?'

'Of course, O'mighty queen of the Lesbians.' Said the humbled duo.

_23 and a bit hours later..._

'Shit!' Cried Diamond looking at his watch before thrusting it at Pearl, the two were slouched on the battered sofa in Riley's house watching TV. 'We've got 30 minutes to make 250 million pokedollars!'

'Well,' Started Pearl; adopting a stiff tone. 'I think we have to face our demons. Lets go.'

_23 and a bit minutes later_.

Dawn, Riley and Marley walked through the streets of Eterna. No-one much was about because it was midday on a week-day, they came to an abrupt stop as they heard a distant rumble. Which grew louder until it had evolved into terrifying crescendo. Then they saw the source of the noise, Diamond and Pearl being chased by...

'AN ARMY OF BUTCH ESTONIAN LESBIANS!' Cried Pearl as the mob bore down upon them, hurling spears and insults.

Pearl's legs were aching and his chest felt as if it was about to explode, unlike Diamond who was running ahead and barely out of breath; then Pearl saw salvation out of the corner of his eye- a motorbike.

'Whoa, man what are you doing to my bike bro?' Said the dopey owner as Pearl crashed through a gate, shouting-

'Diamond! God's speed you magnificent bastard!'

As Pearl vanished into the distance Diamond risked a backwards glance and swore.

The chase went on and on, but the Estonians showed no sign of stopping; by this time Dawn, Riley and Marley were running with Diamond.

All hope seemed lost until...

_Rise of the Valkyries_ played in the background a huge Apache helicopter soared across the sky, it's tannoy projecting a message of,

_'Attention, This is your captain speaking. Captain Carlo Mcrainbowcock actually, Now please disperse like the pussies you are before I open up a whole can of whupass on you.'_

Super Pearl slid down a rope he'd slung out of the side of the helicopter before grinning to all the lesbians.

'Ladies... Ahem.' Several women turned straight and then swooned there and then. 'Now, run along now before I start capping motherfuckers.'

Gardenia stepped out from the crowd, confronting Pearl. 'Get lost Faggot.'

Pearl's expression fell. He had been defeated. He went into the nearby portecabin and emerged a minute later; glowing.

'BITCH! I WILL NOT BE BEATEN! I AM CAPTAIN CARLO MCRAINBOWCOCK!' He said, though his voice didn't look like it was coming out of his mouth. 'AND I TRAVEL THIS LAND TO KICK ASS AND EAT WAFFlES. But sadly, today, I'm all out of waffles...' He finished; Grinning.

'Oh... Shit' Muttered Gardenia as a huge Spork appeared in Pearl's hand. 'LESBIANS! GET HIM!'

A torrent of Lesbians attacked Pearl- he parried blow after blow before hitting them with his spork.

Pearl felt disconcerted as he fell to the ground, he had been hit. 'No... It can't be this way...'He whispered as he flipped back upright with immense effort, before knocking Gardenia out cold with the Spork.

'Sorry ladies, but it's our stop!' He yelled back to them as he leapt hopped into the Apache shortly followed by Dawn, Diamond, Riley and Marley.

* * *

'Pearl! I've done it! My chimchar isn't an anti-semetic bastard any more!' Exclaimed Diamond as he tossed the POkeball; Chimchar came out and punched him in the nuts. 'Why... Do my Pokemon hate me?' Diamond asked whilst crumpled on the ground.

'(What does he mean hate him? I always liked him- and punching's just my method of communication my affection for someone...)'

'Well... at least I have a nickname for you.' He said, looking at Chimchar, 'Punchy.'

* * *

**WOO! If any of you guys want Ocs than okay I guess...**

**Read and Review or Captain Carlo McRainbowcock will pop a cap in your ass.**


	12. Chapter 12: Applesauce

**Chapter 12: Applesauce**

The night sky silhouetted Jubilife city like a piece of art, tiny spots of light from large buildings cast a glow around the road, not that the hubbub of the city stopped after nightfall. Far from it, rather; the place seemed more alive than in the day time.

Perhaps it was the gleam in the merchants eyes or the glow the streetlamps gave people's faces, either way, Looker didn't care.

He was currently escorting Pearl St. Clair through the city to await a trial or bail for assaulting the queen of the Lesbians.

'Would sir like to sit down?' Looker asked sarcastically as he pushed the teen into the battered chair in the interview room. 'Perhaps he would like to admit?'

'To the crime or what I did to you wife last night?' Pearl asked innocently.

Looker gritted his teeth before flicking the lamp on. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

'Applesauce!' Riley beamed. 'Cures illness, satisfies hunger and attracts wild POkemon!'

'And we care because?'

…

'PLEASE! MAKE IT STOP!' Came Pearl's voice through the walls of the police station. 'ANYTHING! I'LL DO ANYTHING!' Looker grinned as he extinguished his cigar and strode into the interview room where four butch Estonian lesbians were holding Pearl down and forcing him to listen to a loop of Justin Bidoof's hit song 'Baby'.

'Had enough yet?' Asked Looker as he hefted Pearl upwards before slamming him on the table. 'Perhaps sir will admit to his crimes?'

Pearl smiled as he punched the detective in the face.

*Bring Bring* Went the station's phone, as Looker subdued Pearl before eventually answering.

'Hello? Who is this?'

_'Rule one of combat, what is it?'_

'Why the fuck should I know that?'

_'Never look away from an opponent.'_

Several things clicked at once as a gigantic Banana knocked Looker out cold.

Pearl dropped the Banana after attaching a bunch of explosives to it, then he purposefully walked out of the station, pulling on a pair of black fake Raybans as he left.

Then the police station exploded.

Diamond and co. found Pearl dazed about an hour later underan underpass trying to decipher a town map.

'Diamond! Saw your mum earlier.'

'And?...'

'She gave me a map, here's yours.

'Thanks... What are these?' Asked Diamond warily, holding out some badly drawn directions drawn onto a napkin.

'Wait and see!' Pearl yelled back as he ran off.

* * *

**No. 33 Appleshaush Crescent **

**Sinnoh.**

**Be there in an hour**

* * *

No. 33 Appleshaush Crescent was on a street populated by antique shops and small buisnesses. It was a shabby building, just like the rest of thestreet and looked like you couldn't throw a brick without smashing at least seven windows. The only new thing about it was the new buisness which had opened there.

Pearl St .Clair sat in the main room, looking out towards the street bellow. An hour and a half had gone, and Diamond still wasn't here. The bastard.

'Seen anything yet?' Asked his new receptionist, Yvonne.

'Yeah, A Starly just took a shit on the windowsill.'

'I meant anything interesting.'

'It is interesting. If you're a Starly.'

Diamond eventually found it wedged between no. 37 and 45, with no thanks to the others, who had gone to get tacos. He gave the battered door a good knock before reading the brass plaque which held the central position the doorway, like an obtrusive smudge on a pointillist's painting, looking out of place with it's general newness.

Diamond summed up the courage to push open the door and stride in, where he was greeted by a receptionist sitting behind a desk.

'Is Pearl st Clair in?'

'He may be, might not. Do you have an appointment?'

'Kind of.'

'Go through then.' She said pointing to a stairwell, Diamond stopped as he realised that there was a giant rubber duck stuck between it and the ceiling.

'You might want to check that out... Call a decorator perhaps?'

'Already done better. Next door there's a kid who used to be able to do a rubiks cube in 15 seconds dead. We asked him, and he sat on the duck for twenty minutes before telling us it's kaput.'

'Smooth.'

* * *

**Read and review etcetera. Cheers.**

**-Scepticle**


	13. Chapter 13: Annie get your gun

**Chapter 13: Annie get your gun.**

**Pokemon:**

**Diamond-**

**Punchy (Chimchar) lv.16**

**Whirlwind (pidgeot) v 8**

**Mac (tyrogue) lv.34**

**Pearl-**

**Dickwad (Piplup) lv.18**

**Pika (pikachu) lv.93**

**Dawn-**

**Turtwig lv.13**

**Riley- **

**?**

**Marley-**

**?**

**Jubilife Police department.**

Looker strolled through the police station in a morning daze. At least that meant he was cheerful, because he hadn't yet remembered the events of the night before.

'Please sir,' said a scientist, 'Put out your cigar, it messes with the computers.' It didn't actually, but the smell was intolerable to the point that you felt ill standing next to Looker for too long.

Looker sighed and doused his cigar in the coffee of a passing co-worker, before turning to the scientist whom had spoken. 'What's the deal?'

'Well, Team Galactic have been running this crazy brainwashing thing. They find a guy, with his life down the pan and offer him a better place. BOOM! Instant henchman or grunt.'

'That's not so bad...' Looker trailed.

'Ten people dead in three days detective, that is bad.'

**The road to Oreburgh city, three days ago.**

Jeff sighed. He had managed to revert back to his non-fucktarded state after a few hours. Stupid girl, throwing a Pokegear at his face. A twig snapped. Jeff looked up to see that a strange man with spiky blue hair and a lycra-like clothing had been watching him silently fume.

'Tell me,' Said the man, suave to the bone. 'What would you do to make the world, and your world a better place?'

Jeff stared at him blankly.

'Okay, Okay. How much should I pay you?'

'50 quid. And a pack of cigarettes, and some hookers... Actually screw the hookers. And the money.'

The man handed the Jeff the cigarettes before continuing down the long road to Oreburgh city, a smug self-satisfied smile playing across his lips.

Jeff sat, bemused before a fantastic idea came to him, in fact; he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before.

He could get revenge. Be one of those crazy killers everyone was talking about.

Jeff the killer. He liked that.

**Jubilife P.D. Present day.**

'Ten? Ten dead?' Gasped Looker, barely believing what he was saying. 'I'm sorry, but I'm handling this one. All of you lot can't do shit in the field; especially with a modern day Sherlock Holmes loose out there. Because trust me, when the metophorical shit hits the metophorical fan, you wanna be as far away as fucking possible.'

'Don't you mean Dr. Moriarty?'

'Holmes, Moriarty- Both look the same with their faces torn off.' He turned, his point made; and went to leave. But he was interrupted by one of his blasted scientists.

'Aren't you a bit... old?'

'Fear not, I'll make up for my age with a _REALLY _big gun.'

He continued down to the weapons lock up to get his 'really big gun'. In the station lobby, a kleptomaniac midget was helping himself to the pockets of everyone else in the booking line, including the officer he was handcuffed to. Looker took this as an opportunity to assert his authority by punching him in the face.

'Whatcha doing there convict?'

The afore mentioned klepomaniac midget stared, attempting a feeble puppy dog look after his ruse was discovered; contrabrand slipping out of his pockets.

'I can't help it detective, it's in my nature!.' He pleaded.

'We know, and it's my nature to get very annoyed and punch you in the face.' Which he did, before turning to his arresting officer.

'Good to see you're keeping aware mate.' The officer shied away from Looker, kneeling down to pick up his wallet and badge. As he did, the convict kneed him in the gut before snapping his handcuffs on a desk; then he burst out of the station, sprinting as fast as he could.

'For fuck's sake...'

* * *

**Sorry, this took ages to write. Wait for the next chapter, where all this will finally make sense!**

**R&R**

**-Scepticle**


	14. Chapter 14: Goddamn spacemen

**Chapter** **14**: **Goddamn** **spacemen**

'Hey, Pearl? THE FUCK IS THIS?'

Pearl rose from his chair before beaming at Diamond. 'Had a bet with this midget called Beckett or something, 'Could I come to own a small business within 24 hours?' he asked. So I go outside and see this and I'm like 'WOW! I WANNA BE A DETECTIVE!''

Diamond gaped at Pearl, his brain processing all of the information he had just heard. 'Wher-Where did you get the money from?' He stammered.

'Beat up some guy with blue hair, tied him to a tree, stole all his money.'

Diamond looked at the ground, his hurting Brain managing to tell him he should be ashamed with his friend around about now, but all he could manage to say was:

'Why?'

'Why?' Fumed Pearl, unused to anyone following his train of thought. 'WHY? The bastard beat up an old lady! And so I was like 'My MAN! Step away from the lady before I open up a can of whupass on you.' but he was all like: 'Hell no dawg! I can do what I want!' But then I was like: 'Listen Mun- Step away from de lady before I bust out Glock and go like BIDLIBIDLIBIDLI!' Then I tied him to a tree and stole his wallet.'

Diamond backed away, trying to work out why all the people in Pearl's thought train were black.

'Anyways Diamond, Wouldn't it be great to be a detective? Look; I've got a knack. That guy out there,' He gestured out of the window to the street bellow, 'He's limping cos he's pissed out of his tiny little mind- case closed. And look-' He said pointing to the Team Galactic grunt outside, 'He's holding a bomb and he's looking at us so he's a- GET DOWN!' Pearl leapt with uncharacteristic athleticism to pin Diamond to the ground.

Then the building exploded.

The truck bounced up and down over the gravelly road, and Diamond was afraid to open his eyes, eventually he plucked open one eye to see a bunch of menacing looking grunts looking down on him.

_'Maybe if I close by eyes and wake up again it they wont be there.' _thought Diamond, sadly, when he tested his theory the grunts were still there. The largest, easily 6-foot in height finally broke the silence.

'Your friend tried to fight us off, and look what happened to him!'

'Uh, boss...' Said the smallest, terrified that he had spoken out of turn. 'His friend hasn't been assa- assasin- killed yet...'

'Yes, but with our best killer on him, it won't take long.'

Time to introduce a new character to our rather messed up pageant. Actually, not necessarily a new character. We have encountered him before, in the Jubilife police station booking line. On remand for numerous larcenies, the kleptomaniac midget known as Becket D'marie.

At the current time, he was sitting in a cell.

'Listen Convict!' Snapped Looker, a vein bulging in his temple.

'Convict?' Said Beckett indignantly. 'I have a name you know! But what's that between friends eh?' He hastily added after noticing the vein bulging rather prominently on the detective's face.

'Listen you cock-sucking prison bitch!'

'Uh!' Cried Beckett, with mock indignancy. 'Really Looker? I'm bleeding here, wounded.'

'ARGH!' Looker slammed his palms on the table, before growling at Beckett. 'This man is Jeffrey Cade, prime suspect to ten recent murders, and apparently you have a history with him.'

'Yes. As a matter of fact I do, but what do you want me to do?'

'Bring him in.'

'That's a lot to do Lookykins, I want total amnesty if I pull this shit off.'

'In your dreams.'

'I feature heavily in your wife's but anyways... amnesty, take it or leave it.'

'Fine.' Growled the detective through gritted teeth as he sealed the deal.

* * *

'Hey, Bruce.' Called Jeff to his thoroughly annoyed Gallade.

_'For the last time you oaf, My name is Maregaurafundulumed !' _The Gallade beamed to his new trainer/ violent sociopath.

'Yeah, whatever Bruce. Remember what we have to do. Find the trainer, then kill him.'

Bruce grinned. Simple. He allowed his eyes to unfocus until he was seeing double, then he sent foward a wave of psychic energy from the pit of his stomach to call upon his aura sight. Aura sight is common in Lucario, but incredibly rare in other pokemon; Bruce was lucky enough to have been a team galactic test subject before he was given to this troublesome trainer and so had been genetically modified to be able to distinguish strong auras. He found the boy's aura quickly, as it resembled a huge fluctuating Pearl. Fitting really. At points it swelled up and a portal in the rift was opened, enabling random objects to appear in the whelp's hands.

Now that the trainer was located, it was a simple matter of killing him.

The extendable blades at each of Bruce's elbows slid out ominously as he stalked into the night.

Bruce allowed a sigh to escape from his mouth. That Gallade really put the shits up him, but now he was safe, and ready to be paid.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a midget standing behind him, grinning.

* * *

**REview or suffer.**

**-Scepticle**


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